is reality tv representing adhders, or is it exploiting our differences?

how producers are capitalising on the double empathy problem in real time

Warning: this essay contains spoilers for Married At First Sight Series 9 and Love Is Blind US Season 7.

Author’s note: it feels a little strange to publish something non-political this week, but I feel I’m still processing so much of this past week, and perhaps we all need a dose of discussing something else right now too. The shows discussed here are wrapping up, so I wanted to talk about this whilst they are still on our screens.

I’ve always been pretty open to increased neurodivergent and disabled representation on screen, even though it isn’t always good. I celebrate raised awareness, I appreciate conversation and curiosity.

Recently, though, I’ve wondered if we’re not seeing genuine ADHD representation, and instead are just seeing the exploitation of leaving ADHDers in extremely pressurised environments with people who don’t understand them. Namely, I’m thinking about the current season of Married At First Sight and the recently wrapped US season of Love Is Blind.

This season of Married At First Sight includes multiple ADHDers - publicly Nathan, Polly, and away from the screen, Hannah (though she was diagnosed since filming and only talks about it online, I feel she is an important part of understanding my thinking here).

It is stark to see how Nathan’s ADHD has been portrayed and discussed on screen in comparison to Polly’s - the former, brought up regularly, talked about regarding his relationship with partner Lacey, and considered consistently by the experts. Polly’s, on the other hand, has been limited to her introductory episode and briefly in discussion with Nathan during couple swap week.

But Polly has been no stranger to controversy or criticism during this season. Whether I agree with her behaviour and the way she speaks to others or not, it is plain to see that she is often impulsive in regards to jumping into conversations and conflicts, and struggles with significant levels of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and likely emotional regulation differences alongside that. RSD refers to the way ADHDers are more likely to struggle with dysregulation when experiencing criticism or rejection, sometimes leading to bigger reactions, impulsivity, or emotional regulation differences (including, sometimes, suicidal ideation).

It feels alien to me that her ADHD would not ever be thought about or discussed as part of the way she acts both in her relationship and away from it, particularly when directly compared with that of Nathan’s. Adam and Polly clash almost every episode, and this often seems to come down to having completely contrasting needs when it comes to being assured and understood, and not being able to see where the other is coming from.

During this week’s episodes, Adam opined that he preferred the Polly he saw in her home environment and that she was ‘calmer’ or ‘more chill’ then. To me, this speaks of a dysregulated nervous system when she is away from home - but regardless, if this perception is what Adam desires, being placed with an ADHDer is likely going to consistently clash.

Similarly, we watched as Marissa was broken up with days away from the altar on Love Is Blind, and in an interview since she expressed that when she discussed being overstimulated when touched by her partner on the show, she was referring to having ADHD as well as having an autoimmune condition. It’s evident on screen that Ramses was constantly trying to touch her as comfort, which did not align with Marissa’s needs. Their conversation when Marissa is sick around physical intimacy and touch implies that he cannot be satisfied when meeting her needs long-term, and he discusses feeling rejected from this, instead of understanding this as purely part of her profile, not about him.

Earlier on in the series, Ramses talks to her family about Marissa telling him not to touch her and being okay with this, but this seems to fall away later down the line, which is often the case when neurodivergent people consistently assert their needs and others cannot handle this.

The extremely visceral nature of the break up between Marissa and Ramses is particularly hard hitting with the context of her being ADHD, where she asks him throughout the series for consistent reassurance that he still wants her, which can be associated with her experiencing Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and the dysregulation that can come with such an ever-changing and high pressure situation.

The double empathy problem was originally coined by Dr Milton, and was originally discussed in terms of autism, but a similar concept can be applied to other neurodivergences. Milton said that autistic people struggle to understand allistic people, just as allistic people struggle to understand autistic people, with there being no fault on either side. This was in response to the commonly seen idea that it is autistic people’s fault for not being able to understand allistic people, and their responsibility to fix this ‘issue’.

Whilst I think this is most relevant in autism due to it’s social/communication aspects, to me, this feels like something that is occurring on screen, manipulated and exploited by reality TV producers to make for better television. ADHDers are being consistently overstimulated, pushed into significant levels of RSD, being misunderstood and reacting, or having their impulsivity or hyperactivity judged and questioned as problematic or even suspicious.

When it comes to shows that focus on relationships, this is going to be especially a risk, where pairs are seemingly made up of a neurodivergent and neurotypical pairing. For Polly and Adam and Hannah and Stephen on MAFS and Marissa and Ramses on Love Is Blind, it is clear to me that some of their issues can be a matter of the double empathy problem and misalignment of understanding where the other is coming from because they are wired differently and don’t fully understand the needs or wants the other may have because of this.

For Hannah and Stephen, this was particularly explosive, whereas for Polly and Adam this has been a more slow burning issue. The ways that their ADHD has not been considered or discussed as anything key to their needs in comparison to the way it has with Nathan and Lacey feels symptomatic of the way ADHDers of a marginalised gender may feel more social pressure to mask or will not have been supported to be themselves, or will attempt to cover it up or not make a big deal of it. For Nathan, ADHD has clearly been notably a huge part of his life and explains his behaviour in ways that Polly hasn’t been able to connect to, even though she mentions she was diagnosed as a child.

For Hannah, the double empathy issue can be seen not only in her relationship on the show but in all her interactions with the group and particularly with the girls on the show. The clashing and misunderstandings start almost instantly, and she doesn’t seem to be able to get her point across to them. Her behaviour is seen as inherently suspicious and with intention that she insists it does not (whether that’s true, is not for me to decide). When we consider the behaviour amongst the group of both Hannah and Polly, ending up commonly embroiled in drama, it’s difficult to know where the line is between what is their personalities and what could be the exploitation of their ADHD traits not being supported as part of producing drama.

Ultimately, this sort of ADHD ‘representation’ tends to make me significantly uncomfortable. Is it truly representation for us to be there by name only, but not to be supported or treated differently in the ways we need to be in order to cope with such a high-pressured scenario? Instead, are we seeing producers - knowingly or otherwise - get to use our reactions, impulsivity and communicative differences to amp up drama.

Reality TV producers must take more responsibility for supporting neurodivergent people in these environments - our dysregulation, our needs, are not supposed to be for your entertainment.