maybe it was The Phones all along

is not consuming shortform video changing my life? & musings on privilege when it comes to social media

guys, i’m so tired!

Most of this essay is available to free subscribers. If you’d like access to the final section, including some practical tips and a selection of my favourite Substacks on this topic, consider becoming a paid subscriber!

My phone habits have been awful for a really long time. Ten to twelve hours a day awful. Whenever I saw those articles warning you that spending seven hours a day meant you were spending however much of your year on your phone, I would scoff. Lightweights. They didn’t include my level of usage in those stats, it was that high.

I really don’t think deactivating apps like Instagram and TikTok completely is the quick fix lots of viral Substack posts are suggesting - I’ll discuss this more later - but recently, it felt like enough was enough - I was scrolling TikTok or the Reels tab endlessly, unable to stop even though my brain was telling me it was useless and not even that interesting. Even apps like Opal and One Sec could not stop me - I just bypassed them.

I couldn’t even read articles or longer content - even, god forbid, on AO3 - without flicking back to watch videos every few paragraphs. I was complaining I could not think of content ideas or think of things to write - but was consuming hours upon hours of what can only be described as brain rot.

Brushing my teeth? Scrolling TikTok. Making some toast? Instagram stories. Watching TV? Following the memes on Twitter. My brain never had a second to stop. consuming. and breathe.

Brainrot as a term has had a lot of kickback since it was made Word of the Year, but I quite like it, because it feels so accurate. With every video I was watching of a family playing a game where they matched up cans of soda or coming across the Apple dance for the fiftieth time, it was like I could physically feel my brain being chipped away at, pieces falling away.

I binged all of MJ and Anna’s first season of their podcast¹ a couple of months ago and it felt like my brain chemistry had been changed that very day, but I knew it would take a little longer for some of the ideas and tactics to settle and feel available to me.

I’ve always felt very anxious when deleting social media or not having my phone literally attached to me. There was so much to worry about, from emergency phone calls to not knowing what was being said about me. But I know logically this is all inaccurate, and keeping my phone in my hand even when I went to the bathroom like it was a tiny baby was not necessary.

So, I made a decision. I deleted Instagram and TikTok for the festive season, knowing I always struggle with seeing everyone’s Christmas content anyway. 5 minutes a day on Instagram to check messages and make sure I’m not being cancelled.

Within two days, I felt like something significant had shifted in me. I was still on my phone a fair amount - I was allowing myself Bluesky, Substack and LinkedIn, and I found myself drawn into fights on the latter more than I wanted (arguably LinkedIn is worse than Instagram, possibly). I also found I was obsessively going into other apps like checking my bank account(?!) constantly, just to try and get the hit.

But this seemed to calm down over a few days - it helped that it was Christmas, which we don’t celebrate in any big way but did mean I wasn’t needed on my emails and there was more time for things like board games.

Within a week, my screen time had plummeted to 3-4 hours a day, and I didn’t feel like I needed Instagram or TikTok. I wasn’t craving those videos, I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I was constantly having ideas and thoughts that I started writing down, some becoming full works, others just being thoughts that stayed in a notebook - and I didn’t feel the pressure to make them anything else in this world of everything is content.

It’s been a month now, and I feel almost like a different person when it comes to my creativity. My ADHD certainly hasn’t gone anywhere - it’s not the phones, guys! - but I have felt less like I need to swap activities every two minutes. I can only describe it as feeling somewhat less frenetic - still hyperactive, still impulsive - but slower moving.

One thing that is really strange is not knowing what’s trending. I don’t have the same two TikTok trending songs rattling around my head, which is helpful, but I also don’t feel at all embedded in pop culture. A few weeks before deleting the platforms I realised how truly chronically online I was when I made a reference to “holding space” and no one around me knew what I was saying. I thought that was commonplace, not as niche as much of what permeates my brain space. I used to place a value on pop culture and being on top of it in a way that is gently slipping away as the days past.

The downsides & musings on privilege

I’ve been musing on whether there’s an inherent privilege to being able to deactivate your social media completely, like the many, many Substack posts and notes I’ve read lately. Fundamentally, as a disabled person, this is where a lot of my community and connection comes from. These platforms - or at least, the people on them - are what saved me when I was newly identified autistic and didn’t know anyone around me who was. They saved me when I was about to go into a psych ward and didn’t know what that really meant. They saved me when my chronic illnesses were at their worst and I could barely leave the house.

I haven’t deactivated my accounts, and I am still using some other social sites I didn’t feel the same addiction to. I am using Instagram a few minutes a day and now allowing myself to view some Stories, but making a concerted effort to not consume any Reels or much of the main feed.

Cutting myself off from my community doesn’t feel like something I can, or should, do. It is not as simple as losing social media and going to in-person events to meet people when you are disabled and particularly chronically ill. Although I feel mentally better in many ways, I do feel disconnected in a different way, and I wonder how best to tackle that. Still using Bluesky particularly is helping, but Instagram is where most of my community has been since the downfall of Twitter.

Similarly - so many of the industries I work in and am attempting to get work from are based on your following now - an author is not allowed to just be an author to get a book deal, they must also come with a ready-made audience willing to spend their hard-earned cash on you. Speakers cannot just be experts on their topic, they must be someone notable and already recognisable to the audience². Does that mean it’s easier to delete these platforms if you work a corporate 9-5? I’m not sure, but I know it means potential minefields for me.

The other main downside so far has been the amount of work it actually takes to stimulate my ADHD brain with anything else, because there is so much more time to fill in the day. I have to have activities, films, books, games, lined up, or I become chronically understimulated or agitated. This is better on work days, but I’m working on it with weekends. There is truly only so much Monopoly you can play against CPUs on the Nintendo Switch.

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Where do I go from here? & practical resources