what that Survivor USA moment teaches us about regulation
Eva and Joe beautifully model co-regulation, a powerful support tool for many autistic people
If you haven’t seen the clip from Survivor USA (below) about autistic contestant Eva over the weekend, I would be surprised - it currently has 2.2 million views on Instagram and climbing, with other clips having similar view counts1.
In the clip, we can see Eva getting increasingly frustrated at a challenge task where she had to get a ball down a track by tilting a table, eventually figuring it out but becoming increasingly distressed and falling into autistic meltdown as soon as she finished, crying and breathing heavily and clinging onto her teammates.
It’s clear she needs more support to calm down, though her teammates are trying - and the host of the show allows Joe, who is currently on another team, to go over to her. He supports her with deep pressure hugs, arms tight around her, and breathes with her, encouraging her with a variety of phrases.
It’s severely evident that this is knowledge he has been given by Eva, both by the way he is seemingly desperate to go to her before the host asks if he’d like to, and by the way it seems practiced and knowing.
Further on in the clip, Eva discusses her autism diagnosis and her needs with the whole group, which she hadn’t done previously, with Joe being the only one who originally knew. The whole clip is really important representation, particularly of very early diagnosis in a girl, but I want to focus in on regulation here.
Understanding co-regulating
Co-regulation can be an extremely powerful tool for autistic people when it comes to supporting meltdowns and shutdowns (Eva refers to what happened her as an “episode”, but I will use these terms going forward).
There are lots of different ways to co-regulate, and, as with most things surrounding autistic individuals, we all have different wants and needs for these sorts of scenarios.
Deep pressure, as modelled here by Joe and Eva, can be incredibly grounding as part of co-regulation. For many of us, deep pressure supports our proprioceptive sense (our sense of where our body is in space) and vestibular sense (balance) as we can feel more centred in our own body. Deep pressure can also calm down a nervous system that is significantly elevated, which autistic bodies in distress will be experiencing, as it grounds us.
For autistic people who don’t like touch or hugs, regulatory deep pressure can also be provided through weighted blankets or weighted lap pads, or compression vests.
Another part of co-regulation modelled in this clip is around breathing, and being supported to do so. This can again look different for all of us - when I am hyperventilating, I need someone to count from 1 to 10 several times slowly, the speed showing me the pattern of breathing I should be taking. For Eva, this was Joe physically modelling the breathing, his forehead pressed to hers between deep pressure, and verbal reminders of the deep breaths she should be taking.
As autistic people, having something modelled to us can be extremely helpful and regulating - not just when in distress, but in general, with parallel play and body doubling both often extremely helpful. Both of these terms refer where you do something together but separately, like playing a game or reading a book, or the latter often being more about work or chores. Body doubling is often talked about more in the ADHD community and parallel play amongst autistics, but these are a similar concept with similar roots in why and how they work for our brains. The close proximity, comfort of another person, and lack of social pressure and being perceived can help us to regulate and to engage with whatever thing we want or need to be doing.
The power of representing co-regulation
Something I think about often is how many forms of autistic support are now commercialised, or at least, cost money - further autism awareness has led to some companies cash-grabbing, or we only see aids and accommodations as physical items or things we might see on TikTok shop.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with that - I use plenty of them myself, and I’m glad they exist. But the reality is, there are so many things that can support autistic people that are free, or that other people can help with, or that are underdiscussed. For me, co-regulation is one of those.
To watch Joe and Eva have such a clear bond when it comes to her needs, with previous consent and discussion, and an advance plan - that’s the power of co-regulation and, crucially, autistic autonomy.
It’s also so powerful to see a show focus so closely on the pair, rather than just showing everyone else’s reactions - this clip was without sensationalising or pushing too closely to inspiration porn, and that’s so important.
Supporting co-regulating
If you’re wanting to consider how your family and friends can support your co-regulation, or you are wanting to support an autistic loved one, friend, child with co-regulation: talk about it, think it through, make plans, and try out different things.
Starter questions to consider:
What does being in distress look like?
When would you enact a plan? How should this be communicated?
What does being regulated look like? When would you stop?
What support items and aids may need to be involved? (stim toys, ear defenders, weighted blankets, communication aids/devices/cards…)
Are there forms of co-regulation that can prevent distress, or done to support regulation overall (e.g. parallel play)?
One thing I often say is that sometimes we don’t know what supports us until we’ve tried it. Feel free, and hopefully feel safe, to try things out and then not do them again if they aren’t quite right.
Of course, I should also note that co-regulating isn’t just for autistic people at all - it can be supportive for everyone. It might be particularly supportive for those with trauma, also, as we can struggle to cope with our nervous systems and making them regulated.
I think this clip is powerful - a reminder and teachable moment about understanding our needs, and having the comfort and confidence that they can be supported.
Thanks for reading this edition of Untangling with Charli Clement. To support me to keep writing, you can become a free or paid subscriber, or buy me a coffee.
It should be noted that I’ve not watched very much of Survivor, so I don’t have loads of context beyond the clips of this situation of the gameshow itself. That’s why I haven’t commented much about being autistic in Survivor overall, or any of the other scenes of Eva in the show.
I actually hadn't seen this. Wow. It has me feeling *lots* of things. Thanks for sharing.
Well, that made me cry. Thank you for sharing, Charli. 🖤